Hard of hearing…

That’s me now.

I’ve been noticing having trouble hearing in certain situations for a few months now. I just wasn’t sure if it was in my head, or was it real. An incident a couple of months ago – R clearly heard someone while I could barely make out that they were talking – prompted me to get the hearing officially checked.

Today was the day. I had a hearing test done at the hospital, followed by an appointment with a consultant to discuss the results. It’s official – I have moderate to severe hearing loss,¬†on higher frequencies, in both my ears. The hearing on lower frequencies is completely normal. I may also have mild tinnitus.

All in all, bad news all around.

The equal hearing loss in both ears indicates that it could not be because of a growth or deformity in one ear, and is likely genealogical. Which also means there is no cure. The hearing will continue to worsen, hopefully very slowly. She’s prescribed hearing aids for me (at 38!). I also need to go for an MRI, just so they can rule out any other possible reasons.

I don’t want hearing aids1. And I don’t want hearing loss. I went in hoping they’ll say that I have grossly dirty ears and need to clean them regularly. Not that I’m losing hearing early and need to wear hearing aids, and could even go clinically deaf if the hearing loss speeds up.

I’m scared. I’m unhappy. And the only person who makes me happy at these times2 is himself under anaesthesia, getting a growth on his head surgically removed :(

I’m very, very unhappy.


  1. NHS only provides big, behind the ear hearing aids. They do provide them free though. Or I could go private and get those tiny, barely visible in-ear ones. My preference: None >>>>>>>>>>>>> In-ear ones >>>> NHS ones. Can I have none please? :( 
  2. He’s also probably half the cause of my hearing loss – with his loud, high-pitch whining, and super-loud barking at the cat across the street. 

Dudley day diary

Sitting under the table to catch any droppings from my lunch.

Came and lay down under my bum while my leg was in the air as I stretched the hamstring. Chewie happily hugged the other leg (one on the ground), and lay down. (TK the drawing)

Gave them antlers to chew on, so I could stretch in peace. Since Duds didn’t have his bed here, the boys got cosy on Chewie’s bed. Happy 15 mins of chewing for them, and peaceful stretching for me.

Later, while I groomed Tango, Duds picked up the small antler and came to us. He’d tried to hide it in his mouth, so his mouth was swollen up, with a tiny bit of the antler poking out. Reminded me of my own childhood – fluffy cheeks with rasgullas stuffed in them 😁

I gave both the boys carrot batons while they were waiting for lunch. Duds ate his, but Chewie took one bite and spat his out. He wanted the good stuff – his salmon kibble. Before I could react, Duds went over, and gobbled up the carrot Chewie had just spat out. True Labrador!

Late in the evening, Duds quietly pointed at the freezer with his nose a few times. He wanted his Kong dessert early, so he could have it, and still return home for the night 🙂

Getting stronger…

It didn’t rain today. Mostly. There were passing showers throughout the day, but nothing stuck around long enough.

Spoke to Ma. It was a long chat, and a generally happy one. It was nice to hear her sound cheerful, after 5+ years of sleep deprivation & tiredness, and a few weeks of crying, loss and loneliness.

We went for a run. I ran 7K on the road – to the cathedral and back up – and then took the boys for a lap on the ridge (~3K). It was better than yesterday’s run – legs felt better, faster. Felt a tiny bit stronger.

Continue reading Getting stronger…

A good day

It rained all day. Non stop rain during the first half, and light drizzle with occasional showers during the second.

I’ve made up with rain. Rain and I are friends again. I love rain again.

Watched 2 episodes of Grey’s anatomy. I laughed out so loud on this scene1 that both the boys woke up from deep sleep, and came to check on me!

We ran today. All of us. Through belly deep2 mud, and persistent rain.

It was Dudley’s longest run (7K), Chewie’s (probably) easiest run, and a hard one for me. I last ran a week ago, and I must’ve lost a lot of fitness in this week. This was way harder than it should’ve been. The only two good bits about the run were the boys and the cadence (metronome led). I’m thinking of running again tomorrow.

Cleaning the boys – showers, towelling, hair dryer – took longer than the actual run. Specially if I add in mopping the bathroom, and vacuuming the house. Not counting having to wash my own shoes – road shoes lathered in mud, drenched inside.

Went to town for lunch. Kokoro. Really wanted to go to a coffee shop afterwards. Not for the coffee, but to see, and chat to a friendly face. Didn’t. Bought some groceries from Sainsbury’s, and returned home.

Watched a movie. I think it was called The Judge. It had Ironman in it. I liked it’s small town Indiana location. Not the same as my small town India, but brought up a few good memories. Thought of old friends. Nikhil D, Vikas G, Vikas S, Surinder, Tarun, Vishesh, Deepak T, … Friends from before I knew to value friends.

Washed three sets of clothes – exercise clothes, regular clothes, and cleaning rags and boys’ towels. Also filled, and started the dishwasher. And dusted the bed. Add in the mopping and vacuuming, and I’m a household superhero3!

On vacuuming, funny stuff with Dudley. He’s got a weird relationship with the vacuum cleaner. He followed me around the house while I cleaned, staying close to the cleaning head. However, at the first sign of the vacuum head moving in his direction, he’d jump and run away like a cartoon character. It was hilarious! After noticing it, and testing it, I may have deliberately pushed the vacuum cleaner towards him a few more times, just for laughs 😁

On the other hand, after the initial wriggling, he let me calmly dry him with the hair dryer and brush. Chewie, on the other hand was a nervous wreck. He finally settled on letting me dry his back, bum and belly, but would bolt anytime I approached the front legs, shoulders, chest, or head. Wuss!

The late, muddy, wet run meant the boys didn’t ask for an evening walk. They got their chews instead. They loved the chews.

Chews being chewed, after exchange

Interesting thing with the chews. Yesterday, Chewie picked the stuffed bone, and Dudley got the antler. They took the same from me today. However, when I got to the living room a few minutes later, they’d exchanged them. And they started with their (new) chews for rest of the evening. Didn’t try to sniff at the other person’s at all. Confused.con.

I’ve got a weird back ache. It’s stiffness on one side of the back, running vertically along the mid and lower back. My guess is it’s from the right hugging (and kneeing) I got from Chewie last night. He was probably marking me as his, given it was Dudley’s first night with us.

I didn’t help the back ache though. I slouched on the sofa half the day, and didn’t do any stretches. I’m slouched on the bed now.

Didn’t meditate. Wanted to. Didn’t. Will try again tomorrow. Will probably start again with the free beginner programme.

Didn’t speak to parents. It’s been over a week now since we spoke properly. Bad.

I finished the book. It was ok. It could’ve been good of it was more about the dog, and less about the person. Even the bits about the dog were mostly about the person. They should change the name. Wanted to give it 2 stars. Added one for the dog.


  1. S04E13 The elevator scene. I’m not gonna explain it, in case I pass out spoilers. 
  2. Dudley’s belly. It was black even before we hit the muddy section. Like a two tone mini cooper. 
  3. Or just an everyday woman. Same difference. 

A better day

It didn’t rain1.

Watched the Ronde. It’s my favourite race of the season. Niki Tepstra won, and Quickstep confirmed their dominance with 1 & 3 on the podium. My favourite was Mads Pedersen from Trek, who finished second on the podium. His was a reward for grit. Just refused to give up.

We went for a walk in Puttenham common. It was nice to be out in a different area – fresh air, open countryside, and no rain. One last walk with just Chewie before Duds arrived.

Duds arrived, and we had a good evening together. They chewed chews, played, hugged me and slept, went for a walk, had dinner, had Kong, and are now snoring away.
One downside is that there’s now two different fart scents I’ve to suffer 🙁

I went to town for dinner. Just a burger at 5 Guys, but at least I got out of the house.

Still no running or meditating.

Only saw one episode of Grey’s anatomy. Saw War Horse. It was ok, but not worthy of all the hype around it. Felt like they were just filming a play, instead of adapting it for screen.

The book got to the good part of the story.

Thinking of giving the scotch a break tonight. Might just have some milk instead.

May have coffee tomorrow morning if I wake up early enough. Duds is an early waker, so I’m hoping he wakes me up too.


  1. It’s raining now, though, and we have a yellow warning for run ask through the night and morning. 

Today…

I decided that I like Lexi Grey more than Meredith Grey. I like Lexi. I tolerate Meredith. I hate Alex Karev.

To complete my day’s floor goal, I walked up the steps to the unused first floor a few times after dinner.

I think the boy is bored of hugging me. 20+hours a day may be too much even for him.

I missed home. I missed childhood.

I hated myself for not having any friends.

I reminisced about a day in London, when we walked about on the South Bank, having a drink at a pub, standing out by the river. Back in the happy days.

I had a dream about a girl I went with on a date many years ago. I started reading her blog again recently but the boy is about her new life. The dream was about the time we knew each other, and this common friend we met through.

I watched 8 episodes of Grey’s Anatomy.

I didn’t run. I didn’t meditate.

I finished the book. I started another one. This one’s depressing. But it has promise of a better ending. It has a dog.

It’s now been 5 days since I had any non-transactional human interaction. It’s also 5 days since my last workout. It’s 5 days since we had a day without persistent rain and grey skies. And maybe 4 days since I wasn’t terribly lonely and depressed. It’s also 4 days since I had any coffee, Coke zero, peanut butter, or milk chocolate.

I couldn’t break my frozen chapatti into half. It broke into 3. I had to eat the whole chapatti. At least it made a good pie chart.

I just learnt that there’s no spinning class on Monday, nor any yoga class on Tuesday. Easter weekend. There go my one good IRL human interaction opportunities for next week.

Tomorrow is our – me and the boy – last day by ourselves. Tomorrow evening, Dudley arrives for a fortnight’s stay with us. Then a few days later, R returns. Hope the scotch, Grey’s anatomy, and my books last till then.

Today, I…

  • Watched three, maybe four episodes of Grey’s Anatomy
  • Finished off a book that I didn’t want to finish (I liked it a lot, didn’t want it to end)
  • Cried quietly inside after the book finished
  • Didn’t run, swim, or go for pilates
  • Cursed the rain, and asked it to stop. I always loved rain.
  • Didn’t have any coffee, Coke zero, peanut butter, or milk chocolate. 3 days now!
  • Didn’t watch any news, or visit any news websites. Many days going.
  • Went for a short walk, on a muddy, steep trail, in the dark, at 21:30. Because I needed to keep my ‘floors climbed’ streak going.
  • Tentatively explored a new project.
  • Missed my grandmom. And my childhood, in that home.
  • Am unable to sleep because of a mix of emotions – anxiety, sadness, uncertainty, melancholy.
  • Didn’t meditate.
  • Didn’t call home. Overdue by 2 days. Didn’t call sister. Overdue by 3 weeks. Didn’t call a friend. Overdue by 7 weeks.