For the last 10 days, I have meditated in bed before sleeping.
I updated my pre-sleep routine. It now starts with meditating for 10 minutes – usually Daily Calm, though yesterday I tried and liked a quiet meditation. Then I massage my feet, ankles and achilles with a massage ball before wearing sleeping socks (keeping feet warm). Finally, I read a book till the eyes shut off – usually 5-15 minutes.
I have been really enjoying this routine. The meditation calms me down drastically. The massage helps the feet stay fitter while I am increasing running mileage (or at least I think it helps). Then I read something – an easy book1 or a few paragraphs of Meditations (Marcus Aurelius).
I have been having really good sleep – drifting into it peacefully, and waking calm. The anxieties from rest of the day have mostly kept at bay. I’m lovin’ it.
“Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you’ve imagined.”
― Henry David Thoreau
I’ve come across this quote twice in the left 24 hours, in two unrelated places. First, as a chapter cover in the book I finished last night. Then, just now, at the head of a blog post by someone I barely know.
It got me thinking with the first hit. Now, with the double appearance, it seems like a message from the great void.
I don’t need sympathy or special consideration because, ultimately, who cares? You hate me, and I hate me, too. We are on the same team. I guess what I’m saying is that maybe we could all just mind our own fucking business for once, and that when you can actually see a person’s scars, maybe be a pal and don’t pick at them.
Samantha Irby, in ‘We are never meeting in real life’
It didn’t rain today. Mostly. There were passing showers throughout the day, but nothing stuck around long enough.
Spoke to Ma. It was a long chat, and a generally happy one. It was nice to hear her sound cheerful, after 5+ years of sleep deprivation & tiredness, and a few weeks of crying, loss and loneliness.
We went for a run. I ran 7K on the road – to the cathedral and back up – and then took the boys for a lap on the ridge (~3K). It was better than yesterday’s run – legs felt better, faster. Felt a tiny bit stronger.
I decided that I like Lexi Grey more than Meredith Grey. I like Lexi. I tolerate Meredith. I hate Alex Karev.
To complete my day’s floor goal, I walked up the steps to the unused first floor a few times after dinner.
I think the boy is bored of hugging me. 20+hours a day may be too much even for him.
I missed home. I missed childhood.
I hated myself for not having any friends.
I reminisced about a day in London, when we walked about on the South Bank, having a drink at a pub, standing out by the river. Back in the happy days.
I had a dream about a girl I went with on a date many years ago. I started reading her blog again recently but the boy is about her new life. The dream was about the time we knew each other, and this common friend we met through.
I watched 8 episodes of Grey’s Anatomy.
I didn’t run. I didn’t meditate.
I finished the book. I started another one. This one’s depressing. But it has promise of a better ending. It has a dog.
It’s now been 5 days since I had any non-transactional human interaction. It’s also 5 days since my last workout. It’s 5 days since we had a day without persistent rain and grey skies. And maybe 4 days since I wasn’t terribly lonely and depressed. It’s also 4 days since I had any coffee, Coke zero, peanut butter, or milk chocolate.
I couldn’t break my frozen chapatti into half. It broke into 3. I had to eat the whole chapatti. At least it made a good pie chart.
I just learnt that there’s no spinning class on Monday, nor any yoga class on Tuesday. Easter weekend. There go my one good IRL human interaction opportunities for next week.
Tomorrow is our – me and the boy – last day by ourselves. Tomorrow evening, Dudley arrives for a fortnight’s stay with us. Then a few days later, R returns. Hope the scotch, Grey’s anatomy, and my books last till then.
Finished 2 books before getting out of bed
Long walk in the woods
Met 3 dogs, 2 deers, and one human
Pizza, half a stout, and hot chocolate for lunch
An hour’s deep nap with the boy
Now planning to watch a Christmas romcom and help R bake a cake
It was an unplanned trip, to attend to a family matter. Most of it was very boring. The smog kept me indoors, so couldn’t go for long walks. I’m off TV, so no time to waste there either, and I have no friends left in Karnal to go visit.
Reading was my only escape. I read Anita & Me, and Sapiens, and re-read a bit of Thinking fast and slow. Also read 3 issues of The Economist. Separately, read a 100+ articles in Instapaper.
The visit did end on an exciting note though. On the evening before the flight, I met up with my friends from undergrad for dinner.
I had no clue what to expect. These were the people with whom I spent most, if not all, of my first 3 years of college. And yet I hadn’t seen, or spoken, to most of them in last 5-7 years.
I’ve long believed that friendship is just a bunch of shared experiences. Friendships are kept alive by creating these experiences, or reliving them. What sort of friendship would it be when we haven’t even met or spoken for better part of a decade, and not created shared experiences for even longer?