Tag: Depression
What do we say to the god of death?
Anthony Bourdain
Some people leave a mark.
I have never met Anthony. I have never seen any of his TV shows. I have just read one of his books – Kitchen Confidential. I gave it 3 stars.
And yet, I’ve found him hard to forget since I finished the book. He has a way, with words, and a personality that makes him hard to forget. He should not be likeable, it’s hard to sympathise for him, he’s often an asshole, and very much proud of it. Yet, he’s also appealing, and often, surprisingly, likeable.
I guess his charm comes from embodying the hard bits of our lives – the grime, the slime, the hard knocks, the sweat, the wrong calls – and taking them on the chin (or dishing them out), casually. Like most of us do, yet refuse to accept that we do.
There were parts of his book where I wanted to punch him in the face, and ask him to shut his hole, and write something useful. There were other parts that I didn’t want to end. And then there were a few that I bookmarked for frequent return.
He seems my kind of screwed up guy. A guy I would love to know. A guy I would even love to hate to work with.
Today…
I decided that I like Lexi Grey more than Meredith Grey. I like Lexi. I tolerate Meredith. I hate Alex Karev.
To complete my day’s floor goal, I walked up the steps to the unused first floor a few times after dinner.
I think the boy is bored of hugging me. 20+hours a day may be too much even for him.
I missed home. I missed childhood.
I hated myself for not having any friends.
I reminisced about a day in London, when we walked about on the South Bank, having a drink at a pub, standing out by the river. Back in the happy days.
I had a dream about a girl I went with on a date many years ago. I started reading her blog again recently but the boy is about her new life. The dream was about the time we knew each other, and this common friend we met through.
I watched 8 episodes of Grey’s Anatomy.
I didn’t run. I didn’t meditate.
I finished the book. I started another one. This one’s depressing. But it has promise of a better ending. It has a dog.
It’s now been 5 days since I had any non-transactional human interaction. It’s also 5 days since my last workout. It’s 5 days since we had a day without persistent rain and grey skies. And maybe 4 days since I wasn’t terribly lonely and depressed. It’s also 4 days since I had any coffee, Coke zero, peanut butter, or milk chocolate.
I couldn’t break my frozen chapatti into half. It broke into 3. I had to eat the whole chapatti. At least it made a good pie chart.
I just learnt that there’s no spinning class on Monday, nor any yoga class on Tuesday. Easter weekend. There go my one good IRL human interaction opportunities for next week.
Tomorrow is our – me and the boy – last day by ourselves. Tomorrow evening, Dudley arrives for a fortnight’s stay with us. Then a few days later, R returns. Hope the scotch, Grey’s anatomy, and my books last till then.
Thank you, Ed
Swimming, the anti-depressant
Natural water has always held the magical power to cure. Somehow or other, it transmits its own self-regenerating powers to swimmers. I can dive in with a long face and what feels like a terminal case of depression, and come out a whistling idiot.
-Roger Deakin, in “Swimming”
Why didn’t you reach out?
If you were having trouble solving the problem, why didn’t you reach out?
If you had money issues, why didn’t you reach out?
If you were lonely, why didn’t you reach out?
If you were scared of something, why didn’t you reach out?
If you were feeling depressed, why didn’t you reach out?
We didn’t even know that you were having so much trouble! Why didn’t you reach out?
Because there is one thing much worse than suffering alone.
It’s when you reach out and no one responds
Living in misery sucks marginally less than dying in it.
-House S05E20 Simple Explanation
Money. Shame… Death?
Money may change everything, as Cyndi Lauper sang. But lack of money definitely ruins everything.
Financial impotence casts a pall of misery. It keeps you up at night and makes you not want to get up in the morning. It forces you to recede from the world. It eats at your sense of self-worth, your confidence, your energy, and, worst of all, your hope. It is ruinous to relationships, turning spouses against each other in tirades of calumny and recrimination, and even children against parents…
Financial insecurity is associated with depression, anxiety, and a loss of personal control that leads to marital difficulties…
My Secret Shame, in The New Yorker
c’est la vie
A happy ride on Saturday.
A day with friends and family at Richmond Park and South Bank.
Journey from bordering depression to bubbling with joy and optimism can sometimes be so simple, and so quick.
C’est la vie.