2018 – Some successes

There were lots of setbacks in 2018 – some of them enough to drive me back into depression just by themselves. So I am not going to pore over them. Instead I am going to take note of some of the successes…

I climbed at least 10 floors every day++

Floors goal streak (continues in Jan 2019)

I averaged about 23 floors/day, with a peak of 154 floor equivalents* on a day when I went for a long hilly run.

I climbed 10 floors even in the days after injuring my ankle. Neighbours noticed as I hobbled up and down (down was worse) our steep drive way to get those 10 floors.

Steps target completed every day for 6 months++

Steps goal streak

I finished my step target every day for the later 6 months of the year. I started on 1st July, half way through the year, and a month and a half after the injury so the foot could manage 5K+ steps without discomfort.

Continue reading 2018 – Some successes

Today…

I decided that I like Lexi Grey more than Meredith Grey. I like Lexi. I tolerate Meredith. I hate Alex Karev.

To complete my day’s floor goal, I walked up the steps to the unused first floor a few times after dinner.

I think the boy is bored of hugging me. 20+hours a day may be too much even for him.

I missed home. I missed childhood.

I hated myself for not having any friends.

I reminisced about a day in London, when we walked about on the South Bank, having a drink at a pub, standing out by the river. Back in the happy days.

I had a dream about a girl I went with on a date many years ago. I started reading her blog again recently but the boy is about her new life. The dream was about the time we knew each other, and this common friend we met through.

I watched 8 episodes of Grey’s Anatomy.

I didn’t run. I didn’t meditate.

I finished the book. I started another one. This one’s depressing. But it has promise of a better ending. It has a dog.

It’s now been 5 days since I had any non-transactional human interaction. It’s also 5 days since my last workout. It’s 5 days since we had a day without persistent rain and grey skies. And maybe 4 days since I wasn’t terribly lonely and depressed. It’s also 4 days since I had any coffee, Coke zero, peanut butter, or milk chocolate.

I couldn’t break my frozen chapatti into half. It broke into 3. I had to eat the whole chapatti. At least it made a good pie chart.

I just learnt that there’s no spinning class on Monday, nor any yoga class on Tuesday. Easter weekend. There go my one good IRL human interaction opportunities for next week.

Tomorrow is our – me and the boy – last day by ourselves. Tomorrow evening, Dudley arrives for a fortnight’s stay with us. Then a few days later, R returns. Hope the scotch, Grey’s anatomy, and my books last till then.

Why didn’t you reach out?

If you were having trouble solving the problem, why didn’t you reach out?

If you had money issues, why didn’t you reach out?

If you were lonely, why didn’t you reach out?

If you were scared of something, why didn’t you reach out?

If you were feeling depressed, why didn’t you reach out?

We didn’t even know that you were having so much trouble! Why didn’t you reach out?

Because there is one thing much worse than suffering alone.

It’s when you reach out and no one responds

Friends are not welcome.

They come for short visits, surround me with happy vibes, make me feel good, make me a social animal.

Then they leave, off to get lost in their busy lives, leaving me behind to wallow in my new-again loneliness.

It’s too hard. Not doing it again. All invitations now stand withdrawn.