I’m scared

I’m scared for me. I’m going out for a longer hike today. It’s expected to be warm. Both the peaks and the final gill descent are rocky/bouldery.

I’m not sure whether I’m strong enough yet. And on the last similar long hike that I did, I ran out of water and struggled with the last descent in dehydration.

I’m scared for my boy. He’s not been well. He’s visibly sluggish. He hasn’t enjoyed the lakes like he used to. He sticks to me when he’s in this state, but I won’t be around today.

I’m scared for R. She has to manage the boy and my mom today. Mom switches between dumb and forgetful, and scheming and pigheaded. She’s a handful even when I’m around. R will have to manage her alone today. While also taking care of my boy.

Continue reading I’m scared

Mi chico no está bien :(

He hasn’t kept any food in since day before yesterday’s lunch. Threw up Wednesday’s dinner, and all three meals yesterday.

I gave him half his usual lunch, soaked and soft, yet it came back up.

I gave him a small amount of rice with chappy—his usual bad tummy diet—but that came up too.

Worse, he hasn’t asked for his breakfast today. He’s clearly uneasy, and not in his happy state.

Neither am I.

Continue reading Mi chico no está bien :(

Walk the dog…

I wake up early, make a coffee, and start working straight away. So, by 9 or 10 AM, I’ve got in 2-3 hours of work, and need a break. The dog and I go for a walk.

We return, we have breakfast, and I head up to work again. He sleeps.

After another couple of hours of focussed work, I’m in need of a break again by noon/1PM. So, unless R has already claimed it, the dog and I go for another walk.

We return, have lunch, and watch TV for a bit. Then I return to work upstairs, and he goes back to doing what he does best – sleep.

By around 6 or 7 in the evening, my head is screaming for a break again. Literally screaming – tinnitus has been getting quite bad lately. So we do whatever helps. A.k.a. the dog and I go for a walk, again.

I have always loved walking. I went for lone walks after fights with parents as a teenager. I enjoyed going for lone walks in Delhi in my early 20s – it helped living so close to Siri fort forest. I loved walking around the campus in Calcutta, and at the sea front in Bombay.

I occasionally enjoy company on my walks. I go for a daily walk with Dad when I’m in Karnal. I also enjoyed walking around with a few friends in Bombay and Calcutta. Once in a while I even enjoy having R come along for a walk.

More often, I prefer to be alone. Walks are my time to let the mind wander, or focus, or rest. Let the mind do what it wants while the legs, the lungs, and the heart get some loosening. After all most of the non-walking time is just the opposite – mind at work, everything else resting. Having company on a walk means the mind has to engage – converse, debate, listen (to remember). Not rest. Not recover.

Walking with Chewie isn’t the same. He doesn’t tax my mind too much, yet keeps my heart entertained. He loves all the tracks – muddy, sandy, gravely, boggy – that I keep exploring. He loves hills as much as I do. He enjoys exploring smells in the woods. He loves rivers and the sea. He enjoys being out and about, likely more than even me.

So, when I hit a mental road block with work, I look at him, and he’s up for it. We go for a walk.

When I’m anxious or tense, he takes me for a walk.

When I need to clear my head, or escape tension in the house, he indulges me with another walk.

I’m grateful to have him, always, on the walk.

Sometimes when I’m deep in work, when it’s -4°C and horizontal rain outside, when my body is still aching from the previous run/ride/swim/yoga, he comes and nudges my arm away from the keyboard with his nose. He wants to go for a walk.

I coddle him, delay him, curse him, plead with him. Then he wins. We go for a walk.

Continue reading Walk the dog…

The boy is back home..

… from the surgery.

Surgery went normally. He’s still under the effect of general anaesthetic, so feeling a bit groggy, and a bit pukey. We had to fast him for 12 hours before the surgery, and they gave him only a small meal afterwards. He’s starving. The GA effect means he’s unable to get up and force us to feed him. Instead, he’s just lying on the sofa softly crying… for food, for attention, for relief from the groggy feeling, and for his play time. But mainly for food.

Today has definitely not been a happy day. Not for him, and doubly not for me.

The only silver lining is that he’s back home, safe and sans-growth.

Everybody knows…

It’s the opening title song in the movie Justice League.

I’m haunted (besotted) with it. Can’t just get over it.

Especially love this line in the lyrics:

Everybody got this broken feeling
Like their father or their dog just died

Written by someone whose understanding of family, and (fear of) loss is similar to mine :)

Continue reading Everybody knows…

Monkey Girl

One thing I’ll always be upset with my parents about, is not letting me have a pet while growing up. Specifically, a dog. But there weren’t any other pets either.

The bonds of love, trust, the non verbal communication, the companionship – all the things that I missed growing up (bar love).

I always thought I wanted another sibling, or a close friend – a partner with whom I could live, explore and share. Sister was too different a person for us to ever share much. And cousins were, well cousins – distant, competitive, or both. And I never really made close friends – wonder if it was my trust issues, my commitment issues, or just hard to find someone within the norms of class, caste, and location.

If only I would’ve had a dog. Not a family dog, not a neighbourhood dog, but my dog. A dog I would’ve grown up with – a brother. Like the son I have now, sleeping snuggled up against my back. Maybe I’d have been a different person. A better person. A stronger, emotionally, person.

If only.

*Monkey Girl: We are all completely beside ourselves