I’m scared for me. I’m going out for a longer hike today. It’s expected to be warm. Both the peaks and the final gill descent are rocky/bouldery.
I’m not sure whether I’m strong enough yet. And on the last similar long hike that I did, I ran out of water and struggled with the last descent in dehydration.
I’m scared for my boy. He’s not been well. He’s visibly sluggish. He hasn’t enjoyed the lakes like he used to. He sticks to me when he’s in this state, but I won’t be around today.
I’m scared for R. She has to manage the boy and my mom today. Mom switches between dumb and forgetful, and scheming and pigheaded. She’s a handful even when I’m around. R will have to manage her alone today. While also taking care of my boy.
Continue reading I’m scared
Refreshed container water for coleus cuttings – two have roots sprouting, one seems to be a dud.
Planted a few more saxifrage, and gave the corner a temporary border.
Repotted Acers into Ericaceous compost and bigger pots.
Potted the two new hydrangeas. Got them for super cheap as marked down surplus stock of mother’s day gifts (£2.16 for rooted, blooming hydrangeas!)
Mom decided to mark her mother’s connection by doing the final potting under my guidance.
It didn’t rain today. Mostly. There were passing showers throughout the day, but nothing stuck around long enough.
Spoke to Ma. It was a long chat, and a generally happy one. It was nice to hear her sound cheerful, after 5+ years of sleep deprivation & tiredness, and a few weeks of crying, loss and loneliness.
We went for a run. I ran 7K on the road – to the cathedral and back up – and then took the boys for a lap on the ridge (~3K). It was better than yesterday’s run – legs felt better, faster. Felt a tiny bit stronger.
Continue reading Getting stronger…
Tomorrow I’m heading to India. A 12 day trip, all of it planned to be spent in Karnal. No plans, yet, of travelling, meeting friends, or spending any nights away from home.
Feeling a bit weird. It’s been a while since I did this, since I spent time there.
In 6 years since we moved to the UK, I’ve made a total of 5 visits home – once when grand dad passed away, then one to see F&F, next after our wedding, then for my sister’s wedding, and last for R’s sister’s wedding.
It’s almost 5 years since I visited to meet family outside of an occasion.
It’s been way longer since I stayed in Karnal for anything over a week.1
Continue reading Going home
She: If everything works with logic, then why can’t it predict what happens next.
Me: Logic doesn’t mean if this then that. It means if this, then that, that, that or something else, with a probability defined by this function.
She: Your probability function is just an excuse to not accept God. I’ll accept logic when it can tell me what happens next. Till then, I’ll go with my God.
Me: And you wondered why I started smoking!
(Just another conversation with Ma many years ago, that just came rushing back while reading something)
Listening to a playlist of about 20 songs while working. The only time I get stuck is when these few lines come up once every while.
Ma ne khat me kya likha tha
Jee tu jug jug ye likha tha
Chaar pal bhi jee naa paaya tu
Yaaron se nazrein mila le
Ek baar tu muskura de
Uth jaa saale yun satata hai kyun
Dunno if it’s me missing Ma, missing friends back home, missing home, or just the actual words used. Need to delete the song from playlist if I wish to continue working without getting any more senti… :(
A literal translation of the lyrics for my non-Hindi speaking readers:
What did Mom say in her letter?
Have a long life, she said
But you didn’t even live for 4 moments.
Look into friends’ eyes
Get up bastard, why do you bugger us so..
Context: One of 3 close friends living in a hostel is seriously ill and the other two are praying/singing for him to recover.
Song: Jaane nahin denge from the movie 3 idiots