Author: Adi

Je déteste que

they took Bruno on a short notice.

they ignored the issues between the dogs.

Bruno got attacked and injured.

they didn’t get him looked after properly after the incident.

they didn’t let us visit him.

they have completely ghosted on us about Bruno’s condition.

they never cared to share the reason for cutting us off.

I’ll never get to see Bruno again.

.

.

.

I can’t walk on some of my favourite routes because they were Bruno’s favourite walk routes, and my heart aches with thoughts of him at every turn.

Super Monday

If we were measuring life segments on a 0-10 scale, the weekend was a -10*

Today, in contrast, was a super Monday. It started at 5, quickly climbed to 8, stayed high all day, and finished at 10.

The day started well. I made the morning coffee manually for the first time since 13th October, when we bought the coffee machine. The return of this morning routine helped. Gave me a few minutes to walk around, smell the brewing coffee, and prepare for work.

I had no meetings or chats all day, other than the 10 minute morning standup. A full day of coding, reviewing, and studying with no distractions. Completed a good PR, merged two, and reviewed one.

I had a good walk with Chewie and Dudley in the afternoon. Didn’t meet any humans. FTW!

Lunch was more comfort food. Alu-methi parantha with chicken curry, and some Chewie cuddles.

Thanks to no meetings, I even finished work at 6. With a smile.

Then I went for a run. My first since early October. It was short, slow, and hard. But, I ran! Win!

A very good day, indeed**.

Continue reading Super Monday

Silver lining playbook

Ended up watching the movie. Good decision. Fell much better. Happier. Calmer.

Still sad about Bruno. Still not happy about the ending of the movie that shall not be named. That stupid tinnitus is still haunting me. Also, now I’m worried about how I’m gonna wake up tomorrow and drive.

But at least in feeling better than two hours ago. And happier. And calmer. That’s progress. A silver lining.

A star is born

That feeling of impending disaster didn’t go all day. Wasn’t good at work. Wasn’t good at anything. It just kept eating inside.

It didn’t help that tinnitus is bad, haven’t been able to speak to parents, and I won’t ever see Bruno again after tomorrow.

Finished watching ‘A star is born’ just now. It was so good. Then he killed himself. And left the dog alone.

I hate movies with sad endings. My life is hard enough as it is, I want happy feels, not sad endings. I really really hate great movies with sad endings. I should’ve stopped watching with 30 mins to go when R asked me to.

I admired how they touched on tinnitus and mental health. People without tinnitus just don’t understand what it is to live with this constant fucking buzz inside the head all the time! There’s no off switch. It can’t be drowned out. The best I can do is to get the head full of other shit so I don’t have the mental capacity to cater to the noise. That’s one reason why I work long hours.

It’s not the first Bradley Cooper movie I’ve liked. It’s the first time I’ve heard anything by Lady Gaga, and definitely the first time I’ve seen her. She is brilliant. I might check out some of her songs now.

Speaking of Bradley Cooper, Silver Lining Playbook may be a good antidote to this sad movie. It’s late though, and we’ve got to drive to Nottingham tomorrow to say bye to Bruno. So should I watch the movie or start reading the book?

Anxiety

Woke up with a low brooding feeling of dread. I’m not sure what it is that I’m dreading. It could be Bruno’s injury, or parents’ health, or something at work, or Tories further changing the country permanently, or Modi further changing the country permanently, or something entirely different.

It’s hard to manage this anxiety when I’m not even sure what’s causing it.

No meetings

Other than the 10 minute morning standup, I had no meetings today. None.

One full day of just thinking, reading and coding. It was so good.

It wasn’t easy. I was working on new, hard bits today. Most of the day was understanding what goes where and does what, before I could add my work to it.

It wasn’t lonely. I had two video chats with JT to work out some issues, and one with FB to understand his team’s solution. But it was all just work.

Over the weekend, I had created full day events on my work calendar for every Monday and Thursday. The events are called ‘No meetings, por favor!’