That feeling of impending disaster didn’t go all day. Wasn’t good at work. Wasn’t good at anything. It just kept eating inside.
It didn’t help that tinnitus is bad, haven’t been able to speak to parents, and I won’t ever see Bruno again after tomorrow.
Finished watching ‘A star is born’ just now. It was so good. Then he killed himself. And left the dog alone.
I hate movies with sad endings. My life is hard enough as it is, I want happy feels, not sad endings. I really really hate great movies with sad endings. I should’ve stopped watching with 30 mins to go when R asked me to.
I admired how they touched on tinnitus and mental health. People without tinnitus just don’t understand what it is to live with this constant fucking buzz inside the head all the time! There’s no off switch. It can’t be drowned out. The best I can do is to get the head full of other shit so I don’t have the mental capacity to cater to the noise. That’s one reason why I work long hours.
It’s not the first Bradley Cooper movie I’ve liked. It’s the first time I’ve heard anything by Lady Gaga, and definitely the first time I’ve seen her. She is brilliant. I might check out some of her songs now.
Speaking of Bradley Cooper, Silver Lining Playbook may be a good antidote to this sad movie. It’s late though, and we’ve got to drive to Nottingham tomorrow to say bye to Bruno. So should I watch the movie or start reading the book?
My first thought was, ‘Can I afford it?’ Checked the website. It’s £79 to confirm my spot. That’s 2x what the London marathon entry costs. I’d take the London marathon over this any day, even without the price difference. But I don’t have a spot in the London marathon; I have a spot in this. Also, I’ve run the London marathon twice but never ridden this event. R has ridden this twice and used to suggest that I will enjoy it.
Checking the registration price was not to decide if I should pay the entry fee. I had already made that decision. I’ll pay. The price check was to see how big the hole would be.
The entry fee isn’t the big expense for this ride. Maintaining and fuelling the bike and the body through the wear and tear of training will cost a lot more. Maybe I can go all indie and start experimenting with home-made food on rides. I fully plan to employ R as my free bike mechanic—given her training and access to tools in her job. The event is in August, so I can delay starting training till after the Paris marathon in April. That delay will help since then I don’t need a lot of winter riding gear. My one cycling jacket and one long tights should suffice for the few cold rides I’ll suffer.
Writing this down has helped calm the anxiety a bit. It’s doable. It’ll be a stretch on the money, time and energy, but it’s doable.
The difference is that a suggestion is backed by a rational reason. A suggestion can answer, reasonably, a ‘why?‘ counter-query.
Everyone is entitled to their opinions. Many feel it their duty to impress their opinions upon others. These opinions, specially when they are about others’ actions, may* be freely discarded.
Everyone is also entitled to give suggestions. However, suggestions ought to be listened to when they are presented along with the rationale, the why. They need not be agreed with, they need not be heeded to, but they should be listened to and pondered over.
I’ve been having a decent long stretch of good days. I’ve been very productive with work, with non-work work, been running regularly, sleeping well, and been mostly happy. Today is bent on breaking the streak.
I slept over 10 hours last night. It was not a good sleep. (Don’t all bad days start with bad sleep?)
I remember having a good dream—I had two good friends I used to live with, one of their friends brought over his dogs (big scary Rottweilers) who got along fabulously with me. I must’ve woken up around this time. That may be why I remember the dream. That’s also probably why rest of the sleep was bad. I had a bad cold—the bedside kerchief is a testament to that. The head started clouding over with all the bad thoughts and worries. I had to resort to some meditation exercises to get myself back to sleep.
In the morning, I woke up before the first alarm (5:10), but was in a terrible state—nose and head full of fluid, and body feeling tired. The Brooklands parkrun plans went out the window. I switched off the alarms and went back to sleep. Finally got out of bed at 10!
A bad night was followed by a not so good morning. The loo visit was unfruitful. I skipped this morning’s Duolingo practice. Took the boys for only a short walk. Didn’t even feel like finishing the coffee that R had left for me.
Now I’ve got to go for the Saturday run but it’s warm outside and I’ve got no spirit.