Terribly missing my huggsy buddy 😞
I noticed that everyone in the new team signs off with their name and their pronoun. I know that there was a debate about pronouns and preferred pronouns a while ago. Since I’m not on any social media, nor watch any news TV, the debate mostly passed me by. The key place I noticed its effect was with Taylor Mason’s preferred pronouns in Billions, and Bobby Axelrod’s continued use of them even when they went to war against each other.
On noticing the pronouns in the email signatures, I did some research, and read articles arguing both sides of the debate. This one was particularly relevant for me since it pointed out both sides of the argument from a liberal PoV. Based on the reading, specially the linked article, I’ve decided not to add a pronoun for now. Once I’m comfortable with the new colleagues, I’ll speak to them about it — to understand more perspectives, and on how they came to their decisions. Then revaluate it. In the meanwhile, mine are in the post title above.
On Monday, I start a new job and a new career. I’m a bit excited, and quite scared. (R is trés excited, not scared at all)
The first fear is from all the documentation, processing, and related formal requirements. That’s a foreground worry, as I’m working on it at the moment. It’s also the simplest, since if it becomes an issue, it’ll be placed right up in front of me to deal with.
The big worry is the background anxiety from the transition to this new career.
This is my first job in this field. At 41 years old. I’m starting from the bottom rung (good), but at a big, established organisation (scary). They have experienced people, processes, and the thing I’ll work on will reach out to millions of people (trés scary). I am not sure if I’m qualified for the work they expect (I was surprised to even get the first interview call). I’ve never worked on something at this scale. I haven’t worked on anything that complex. I haven’t worked in this industry at all. The likelihood of my completely bombing is fairly high. At the first job. In a new career. At 41. There may not be another restart option.
I love to work from home at my own times. I’m a strong advocate for remote working. In this case, however, I miss not being in the same shared office. Looking at everyone’s faces directly would have provided a good gauge of how I’m doing. Working remotely, online, removes that direct, immediate feedback mechanism. I’m dependent on other people to be kind enough to provide quick, direct and honest feedback. (And hopefully, to work with me at helping me improve.)
Another worry is that this career switch means I am permanently trading in the old career. There won’t be any going back. It’s a different ladder now. A ladder, as R says, I enjoy more. But also one that doesn’t go anywhere as high or as fast as the previous ones. The ceiling is strong and near in this career. In the previous one, sky was the limit (given willingness to get burnt). The change means saying goodbye to many things. And saying hello to occasional, depressing bouts of ‘what if‘.
There’s also joy. I’m going to be doing something that I enjoy doing. I’m going to be part of a team, and have an opportunity to make some stable connections outside of home and running. I’m going to be working at an organisation that I like, on a thing that I really like. Unless I bomb early and completely, I may even be able to make some things better. And, if I survive, I’ll get to learn. A lot. In areas that interest me. That learning, along with having stable team mates, is probably my biggest incentive. (R has a different one.)
…. anxiety …
… JOY …
…. anxiety …
I’m suffering from lethargy, remnants of a fever, and post-good-vacation-spoiled-by-unrealistically-high-expectations ennui.
We arrived back from the vacation on Friday night. I wasted the weekend under a paracetamol powered haze. Spent this morning preparing for an interview that didn’t happen. The afternoon was a fight between a paracetamol powered haze and the awesomeness of Dark Knight Returns, with my sick partner, Chewie, by my side.
Now I’m sitting here waiting for dinner so I can have dosas and retire.
I’m so meh right now.
But I’m totally not liking it when it’s arrived so suddenly. In September!
Kept drifting in and out of sleep most of the night. There are numerous moments through the night that I remember being uncomfortably awake in. There are also lots of blank spaces between those moments, so I was likely asleep then. It was all too discomforting. I don’t feel mentally rested at all.
It may have been the heat. It could also have been the larger than usual amount of caffeine I had—2 coffees and a Coke zero. The late ice cream and then lounging on the sofa may also have added to it. Latent anxiety and regret from an interview earlier in the day may have lent a hand as well. Though I feel that a combination of the first two was likely mostly responsible.
(It didn’t help that Bruno went and spread out in front of the fan, blocking any air from reaching me!)
Anyway, now I’m wasting time writing this note while waiting for coffee to hit the head so I can start working :/